Kenny’s Blog - 7

Weeks passed and the days fell into each other. I found myself becoming more and more detached from the world around me. People were inviting me out but I didn't feel like seeing them. I’d open Tinder then immediately close it again. I was done with all that noise. Things got progressively worse, I found myself not leaving the house for days on end, losing the motivation to work, then to answer the phone, then to get out of bed, it all felt so pointless.

This spiral continued for about three weeks, then my boss sent me his final word via text on a sunday morning...

“Kenny, don't come back to work next week, you’re fired. You may be a nice enough guy, but if I can’t rely on you then I cannot offer you any more shifts.”

I put the phone down and buried my head into my hands. In a way, I felt almost relieved; I never wanted that job. In fact, now I’m being honest with myself, I didn't want any of the jobs I got. I did them purely out of the fear of being labeled as an entitled millennial who didn't know the meaning of hard work. But that is the funny thing about hard work, it is thankless. There are so many people who spend their entire lives working so hard to get from A to B, but it very rarely results in praise for the amount of time and effort one puts in. It seems we are far more likely to praise someone's professional position over the amount they actually put into their work. The people who would claim you are entitled will never change their tune no matter how hard you try. Instead of spending your time chasing for the validation of other people, people should spend their time chasing what they really want…

I hear a knock at the door.

I lethargically don my dressing gown and headed for the door. The weather outside my window was dark and windy. The heavy rain poured relentlessly drenching the world outside as far as the eye could see. I had always found something about rain extremely relaxing. I got to the door and opened it and, holding a yellow umbrella, stood Callum wearing a grey jacket and a warm, friendly demeanour. He told me he had stopped by to say hello because nobody had heard from me for a couple of weeks and he wanted to know that I was okay. It was only at this point that it clicked that I had spent so long in my own head that the world kept on spinning without me. We agreed to head into town for a coffee at a quaint café not far away from the train station.

“Do you think you will see her again?” questioned Callum.

“I don’t know, but it seemed like she was genuinely happy about the prospect of stepping away from it all for a bit. So I’ll see her when I see her... if I see her…”

“That's fair, so you haven't met anybody else in the meantime?”

“I don't know what I want anymore. Like, I don’t want to be alone but I also don’t want to radically change who I am in order to meet the expectations of other people.”

“Find someone who likes you for being yourself?”

“I guess, but I kinda hate that sentiment! You hear all people online or in the real world go on constantly about ‘being yourself’ and how that will lead to other people’s acceptance and love. But it isn't true is it?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“If all I had to do was ‘be myself’ surely I wouldn't feel so alone all the time. When we think about our own opinions of other people, we don’t always like and accept people who are just ‘being themselves’. What if that person is not a nice person? If they are cruel, selfish or delusional, what if that is just them being themselves? Also, who are we to say if someone is being themselves or not? It would be more accurate to say that people want other people to be their idealised version of what they think that person should be.”

“I can’t imagine that message coming across well from a dating coach.”

“How can I be genuine when I don’t even know what they mean by that?”

“Well Kenny, it's really about working out what you want. You want cars, a big house and aesthetically pleasing company? Well then you’re gonna have to slide into those social circles, do the kind of jobs that get you that lifestyle, learn the lingo. You want honesty? You surround yourself with honest people. You want fun? Follow the fun people. If you really want it, you will find the motivation to carry it through, if not, then you try something else. Trial and Error…”

“What if I want it all?”

“You can’t have it all, that is life. With every choice comes a series of opportunities but at the same time others doors close. The important thing is to actively choose which doors to walk through. Otherwise, those choices will be made for you and I am telling you, they won’t be what you want.”

“But how will I know if I’ve made the right choice?”

“Well you can’t know, least not at the time.”

“I feel like I made choices in my life that I am still conflicted about.”

Callum lightly scratched the stubble on his chin in contemplation and took a sip from his mocha. There was something about his stare which felt warm but simultaneously piercing, like he was looking right through me. I could tell he wanted me to elaborate. 

“When I was younger, I went out with a girl called Bobbie, she was one of those artistic types. Talented painter, dancer, singer, just give her anything creative to do and she would create something beautiful every time. I was completely taken by her, it felt like everything was easier around her. Like you just talk about anything, go anywhere, do anything. I wrote her a song about the ocean and she would sing it back to me ten times more beautifully than I could ever achieve. It was funny how in my teenage insecurity I used to get extremely jealous of people like that, but with Bobbie I'd just roll with it. I always wanted to know what she was going to do next. We started spending a lot of time together, then I found out she was already with someone and at first I accepted it. But then she kept talking to me, laughing and flirting, holding my hand and caressing the side of my face whenever we were together. I remember so vividly the two of us walking down to the seafront together to drink vodka and lemonade on the hill next to the old lighthouse. We sat down and faces illuminated by the beam of the lighthouse as it glided gracefully across the glistening water. Bobbie asked me ‘Why I liked spending so much time with her’ and I told her it was because she made my world seem bigger, full of life and more adventure than one could imagine. As our lips touched each other, I felt my heart speed into a frenzy of delight and my sense ignited like burning magnesium. I could hear the ocean gently splash on the rocks below us and feel the wind upon my skin. I caressed the left side of her face as she lent into me, she was so warm and I could feel her heart quicken to match the pace of mine. 

I knew that it was dishonest, her for doing that to her boyfriend and myself for going along with it. Whilst the following few weeks were exhilarating I couldn't shake the guilt that this was just wrong because she was with another. After the guilt became too much, I told her that we’d have to stop seeing each other and I confronted her about the situation. Bobbie told me about how he was so nasty to her, crushing her dreams at every opportunity, how he was sleeping around with other people and how she was going to eventually leave him for me. I was absolutely torn, she was amazing in so many ways, but she was dishonest. I was amazed at how effortlessly she could lie to him across the phone right in front of me and I wasn't going to wait.

I told her that she needed to leave him, needed to follow her dream but that I wouldn't be with her. I remember her crying for what felt like forever and I felt terrible but I had made my decision of what I wanted and it wasn't this.

We haven't spoken in years, but I do know that she did leave him and that she now models and curates art galleries in the states.

“Do you think your choice actually helped Bobbie get on a better path?”

“Maybe? I don’t know, it just crosses my mind every now and then, feeling like maybe I should talk to her. But then I think twice and realise that ship sailed a long, long time ago.”

“We can always learn from revisiting the past, but it is important not to stay there for too long.”

I felt my mind suddenly snap back to that school reunion from months prior and my frustration at all of my old school mates being unable to unwind themselves from the wicked web of nostalgia and what a hypocrite I was for not being able to move on from my own mistakes.

“I think you’re right Callum, but I don’t think I’m done with the past yet.”

“No one said you have to be done with it, just be able to accept it in order to truly enjoy the here and now! There isn't really much point the two of us sitting and reminiscing like old men when we are not even that old. That being said, I’ve got a couple of grey's poking out of the back of my head so I’m only really two steps away from getting a zimmer frame.”

“I think I’ve just got to touch roots before jumping into the next phase of life. I am going to be job hunting again next week…”

“Well this is the perfect opportunity for you to go and see some other friends and family for a bit right? Touch roots, yeah? Much better than sitting at home and watching Mad Men…”

“How the hell did you know I watch Mad Men?”

“I know everything Kenny, get used to it!”

We laughed and ate lemon cake for a while then I said my goodbyes and went home. I sat down at my kitchen table alone, pulled out my phone and called my mum to update her on my current employment status…