Kenny’s Blog - 5

Over the past few weeks, I have been finding it harder and harder to get out of the house. I forced myself to go shopping just so I would see another human being. Whilst standing in the aisle, unable to choose between chicken or vegetable soup, I felt a hand tap on my shoulder and when I turned around I was face-to-face with Hot Chocolate (The guitarist, not the hot drink).

“Hey Kenny, Nathan was trying to call you the other day to see if you wanted to come to a party next week. You can bring Steph.”

“Things didn’t work out with Steph.”

“Ah... Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, that’s life I guess. Just thought I’d got it right this time, but I guess I wasn't good enough.”

“Ah Kenny, that isn't a good headspace to be in. Things can seem a bit brighter when you give yourself the time, but you gotta look after yourself.”

“I know. I just feel like I can’t live in the present and not sure anyone else can either.”

Hot Chocolate stroked his beard in contemplation.

“Maybe you just need to unwind. It's very easy to dwell on past mistakes or just overthink things. Come to the party next week, it will be fun.”

“Okay.”

We said our goodbyes and I headed back home, unable to shake the feeling that maybe he was onto something. On the way back, I found myself flicking through old pictures on my phone and becoming increasingly nostalgistic about home.

The year was 2010, it was a beautiful night in my hometown and the stars were dotted around the moon which softly illuminated the quiet country path that stretched out before me. Jenny had sent me a text asking to meet; she was a good friend of mine. I diverted off the path and made my way through a field which lined up with her back garden. As I approached, I could hear the sound of adult voices aggressively arguing with each other in her house. This wasn’t the first time this had happened and sure as hell wouldn't be the last. I took out my phone and flashed the light three times towards the upper left window. Jenny’s face appeared and broke into a modest smile when she saw my moonlit silhouette at the bottom of the garden. Being certain to remain absolutely silent, she opened her window and slid down the drain pipe.

Without a word we walked together until we were out of hearing range of the shouting.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired, it’s definitely getting worse. Dad keeps saying he’s going to leave. If he does then me and mum won’t be able to stay there…”

“Why don’t you and your mum come and stay with my family? I’m sure that there would be enough room.”

Jenny smiled.

“That would be nice, but mum told me this morning that if we have to leave we would stay with my Aunt Sharon until we could afford to go somewhere else…”

“Isn’t that like three hours away?”

“Yeah…”

An awkward silence filled the air. We both stopped walking for a moment outside ‘The Leatherwood Club’, a vintage dancehall which had been renowned in the area for booking a wide mix of different musicians and DJs. It had closed down a couple of months prior. My mum had told me it was due to the owner wanting to start a new business in London. As we stood in complete silence, the neon sign on the front of the building gave a pathetic little flicker, briefly illuminating the front of the building before ebbing away into complete darkness. I glanced at Jenny, her face darkened by the shadow of the dancehall. Underneath the long black hair, I could make out a single tear gracefully sliding down her left cheek. It filled me with a sense of helplessness. Jenny was leaving. She was going to be taken away and there was nothing I could do about it. But at least I could try and make it easier for her. So I began to sing…

“Everybody’s changing…”

Jenny joined in “And I don’t feel the same.”

I started humming the piano riff and Jenny started giggling.

“You’re such a dork!”

I didn't say anything, just wiped away the tear with the sleeve of my jumper.

“I’m going to miss you, Kenny.”

We stared at each other for a moment, I could literally see the starlight reflect off her left eye and time seemed to stand still. I wanted to kiss her, but something didn’t feel right. I still have trouble putting my finger on it but I believe my mind was racing over deciding if it was the ‘right’ thing to do. Jenny was leaving soon and if we kissed would that make it harder for her to move somewhere else? Would it make her stay? Would it not make her stay but make me miss her even more? Would I regret it if I didn’t try? Would I regret it if I did? 

“I think I need to head back home before they realise I’m gone. Thank you Kenny, you have no idea how much you helped me.”

Jenny embraced me tightly and I felt a ripple of warmth pass through my entire body. I held onto her, my heart sinking at the revelation that this really was goodbye. The only words that escaped my mouth were the softest of whispers.”

“Goodbye, Jenny.”

We let go of each other one last time and then headed home in opposite directions. I found myself turning to look back at her but she had already disappeared into the night. Jenny and her mum left for London the following day.

For the next year, I found myself walking past the same dancehall every weekend on the way into town. I would stop and think about Jenny for a while. One time I even plucked up the courage to try and ring her but she’d disconnected her number. At one point, I’d even tried to speak to her Dad and he told me to get lost.

I think of Jenny every now and then. I hope that, wherever she is, she's okay.